Postpartum Life

Today I am 3 weeks and 2 days postpartum and to say it has been a whirlwind is an understatement.

Pregnancy and even labor seem to pale in comparison to my experience with postpartum and I feel like the topic isn’t touched on nearly enough in the real world. The downstairs lady pain, the lack of sleep, the emotions, the tears and negative stigmas that come with this time after birth is a lot to handle.

I want to make sure that you understand that this is just my experience and that everyone’s postpartum state is different and unique to them.

Will and I knew going into Rio’s arrival that we wouldn’t have our parents, our friends, or any help whatsoever and at the time we had made peace with it and didn’t think it was a big deal… but WOW were we wrong haha!

Luckily, we had our close friend watch the dogs for the two days while we were in the hospital but when we got home it really hit us that we only had each other. The first few days my body was so sore from the two tears I had via birth. I took ibuprofen every 4 hours and was constantly changing my adult diapers because the bleeding was so heavy (TMI). Sitting down, standing, walking, picking up Rio was close to impossible and it made me so sad to not be at my very best for my baby and for Will. The guilt was almost as bad as the pain and it was emotionally taxing. I tried going for a walk around the block everyday to get outside but it was so painful and exhausting that I would get home and lay on the couch and cry at the 180 degree turn of my physical well being.

Between all that, figuring out breastfeeding and the night sweats, the first two weeks were a true test of will power. I called my mom every 3 or 4 hours to cry and vent, which really helped. I kept saying over and over, I promise I don’t have postpartum depression! I promise I don’t have postpartum depression!

What I didn’t realize until this week and maybe not even now, is that whether or not I want to admit it - I AM postpartum - I did have a baby. I am healing from that physical and mental trauma. I am balancing my hormones back to normal. And the difference between PPD and postpartum feelings are fluid, especially in a worldwide pandemic.

I don’t know why it has such a negative stigma to it, but I am trying hard to just BE. To be here in my feelings both high highhhhs and the low lowwwws.

After leaving the hospital, we immediately adhered to the Babywise feeding and napping schedule with Rio. Currently I am feeding her every 2 1/2 hours during the day and every 4 hours at night. What they don’t tell you is that the feeding-changing-burping-holding process is at least a 45 minute thing, so really you only get an hour and a half in between feedings. This doesn’t give you a lot of time to do anything besides eat as fast as you can, take a shower and clean the mess of a house. Oh and maybe sleep a bit if the doorbell doesn’t ring or your phone isn’t buzzing.

This past week I started pumping to keep my supply up and also have backups. Talk about another rollercoaster of emotions!! The first day I did it, I got 4 ounces in 10 minutes and I was like, HELL YEAH! But the next day I pumped I barely got an ounce and it seemed Rio was fussy by not getting enough from our next breastfeeding session.

cue the guilt ridden tears…

But, I switched a couple things up during our feedings and gave myself two days off from pumping or even thinking about the stress of supply and demand, and today pumped 3 ounces in 15 minutes! After talking to our pediatrician, who is amazing, she said just do what you can. Like everything with motherhood - just do the best you can in the moment and leave it at that until the next moment.

Motherhood teaches you to learn how to operate completely differently than before. And I think that’s why it’s so hard. Especially for Type A people like me, this way of life is going to require a lot of love and patience from me - to me.

I’m not going to lie, I am struggling. I am struggling even an hour before I began writing this. I am constantly wondering if I will ever get anything productive done ever again, if I will ever be a tiny version of my old self, if I will ever stop feeling like a shell of a human. If this constant guilt, this heaviness of being the best mom I can by making the perfect decisions, will fade.

I know that the only way through this is with extreme grace. Letting go of the “important” things I feel I have to do and instead focusing on what really matters which is Rio, Will and the pups. Enjoying all those smiles, and cuddles and bonding.

Like a lot of people going through this quarantine, I am learning patience. Patience with how to handle this new normal.

To all those mommas and to-be mommas out there, YOU CAN DO THIS. I’m speaking to the choir here but take each moment and savor it and when things start to spin out of control (and they will like 9000000000 times a day) know that only one thing matters - your baby loves you and everyday you are one step closer to being the new, and best version of yourself.

I will continue to blog about this experience and fill you in on my continued recovery and Rio’s growth because I think it is amazing to be able to share this journey. To break down those nasty stigmas that really, don’t do anyone any good but also by talking about them, create an open space for women to feel safe in sharing.

What has your postpartum experience been? How are you handling it? I’d love to hear your story!

*This exact set is sold out but here is where I got it and they have a tonnnn of options for cheap!